Spending The Holidays with a Narcissist.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Have realistic expectations
Keep gift-giving simple
Spend with alone and with healthy people
Have plan B’s and don’t take the bait
Know that holiday season will not magically make the narcissist better
This blog is for you, if you have to spend your holidays with a narcissist spouse, parent, sibling or co-worker. Maybe you are co-parenting with a narcissist and will be together for the kids? Maybe your narcissist parent is guilt-tripping you for not spending the holidays with them? Maybe you just have to be in the same space as them and can’t leave or walk away. Here is what you need to know.
Why Are Holidays Difficult with a Narcissist?
Holidays often involve gatherings, traditions, and attention—elements that can be triggers for a narcissist. They can be perfectionistic without any care of other people or children or they can be pessimist and suck the fun out of the good times. Here are some common reasons why holidays can become complicated:
Need for Control and Attention: Narcissists thrive on being the centrr of attention. During holiday gatherings, they may try to outshine others, dominate conversations, or redirect focus back to themselves.
Holiday Sabotage: Narcissists often disrupt plans to assert control. This could involve last-minute changes, creating unnecessary conflicts, or criticizing others’ efforts.
Emotional Manipulation: They might use guilt, shame, or blame to get what they want. For example, they may claim they’re being excluded or undervalued, even if it’s not true. They will make you feel bad for saying no to not spending time together, getting them the right gift, not praising them enough.
Gift-Giving Power Plays: Gift-giving with a narcissist is rarely straightforward. They might give overly extravagant gifts to appear superior, or criticize your gift to make you feel inadequate. Or they might even “forget” to get you something, or get you something you don’t even need or want. You will start to question yourself…”do they even know me”. And if you don’t react the way they want, that is also an issue. During gift-giving time, don’t go broke or don’t think that this time you will get it right as most likely it will be an issue. Just keep it simple.
Triangulation: Narcissists may pit family members or friends against each other to create drama and maintain control over relationships. They will use things you shared with them confidentially and use that against you.
Here are some practical tips to keep your sanity with dealing with a narcissist during the holiday season:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissist. Before the holidays, decide what behaviors you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re not. For example:
Limit the time you spend with them during gatherings. Spend time with people (children or special family members that will actually appreciate you).
Politely but firmly shut down conversations that become overly critical or manipulative. Walk away even.
If they’re known for causing disruptions, consider planning events that don’t rely on their participation.
2. Realistic Expectations
We tend have a lot of expectation of how holiday season should go, with the Christmas songs, holiday cheer, just this time period. But it’s important to accept and remember that the narcissist is unlikely to change their behavior and that holiday seasons are nightmares. When it comes to hosting family gathering, gift-giving, attending a family event, adjust your expectations accordingly. For example, if you know they’re prone to making negative comments, sabotaging things, making digs at you, mentally prepare yourself to not take their words personally.
3. Don’t take the bait
Narcissists often create chaos, so having a backup plan can reduce stress. This might mean preparing alternative arrangements for meals, transportation, or gatherings in case the narcissist’s behavior becomes unmanageable. This is also part of having realistic expectations. Know and prepare yourself that things will not go right. You taking the bait and confronting or arguing with them will not end well, and you know it. Know that that holiday seasons will not magically change them.
4. Focus on Your Own Well-Being
Self-care is crucial during the holiday season, especially when dealing with a narcissist. Quietly make time for activities that recharge you, such as spending time with supportive friends, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Protect your emotional energy by limiting interactions that feel draining.
5. Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles
Narcissists often thrive on conflict and will try to draw you into arguments. Resist the urge to defend yourself or prove them wrong. Instead, use neutral statements like, “I’ll think about that,” or “Let’s focus on enjoying the holiday.” Redirecting the conversation can diffuse tension and prevent escalation.
6. Have Supports Around You
If other people in your family or social circle understand the dynamics of dealing with a narcissist, lean on them for support. Share your concerns and work together to create a unified approach to managing the situation. For example, if you are going back home for the holiday seasons and your mom is a narcissist, spend more time with your father. Even if other people don’t know about the narcissist in your life, carve out some time to spend with the healthy people in your life.
7. Consider No Contact or Limited Contact
If you are already going no contact or low contact with the narcissist, it’s ok to continue doing the same during the holiday seasons. It is okay to prioritize your well-being by limiting or avoiding contact altogether. This might mean skipping certain events or celebrating the holidays in a way that feels more peaceful for you. Will they make you feel bad about it? Absolutely! But realize this is who they are.
Post-Holiday Recovery
After spending time with a narcissist during the holidays, it’s common to feel drained or emotionally off-balance. Take steps to recover and reconnect with yourself:
Reflect on the experience with a trusted friend, therapist, or journal.
Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation to recharge your energy.
Avoid social media. This will make you feel worse.
Focus on the good moments you had with healthy people.
Building Healthier Traditions
If holidays with a narcissist have consistently been stressful, consider creating new traditions that prioritize your happiness and well-being. For example:
Host a separate gathering with supportive people in your life.
Travel or volunteer during the holidays to shift your focus.
Celebrate in a way that aligns with your values and brings you peace.
Do at least one thing for yourself, such as baking cookies, going shopping, watching holiday movies.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. Her and her team are relationship and relational trauma therapists who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. Her team uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help their clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.