How to move from Avoidant Attachment to Secure Attachment.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment is usually less talked about compared to anxious attachment. And often times those with avoidant attachment tend to be labelled as narcissist, selfish, and having no empathy. But that is far from it. Avoidant attachment develops when a person learns early on in childhood that relying on others is unsafe or that emotional closeness leads to disappointment. This often arises from childhood experiences where caregivers or parents were emotionally distant, dismissive, or temperamental and the child couldn’t rely on their parents.
As a result, that person has developed self-reliance as a coping mechanism, avoiding deep emotional bonds to protect themselves. While at the beginning stages of their life that was helpful, in adult relationships, not so much.
What Are The Common Signs of Avoidant Attachment:
Difficulty expressing emotions or their needs in relationships. For example, if they want a hug, they will say they don’t want anything from you instead.
Feeling suffocated when a partner wants more closeness. They may say you are “too much”.
Pulling away when things get too emotionally intense. That’s when they will ask for a break from the relationship or you find them being distant.
They prefer independence instead of relying on others.
Struggling with openness and being vulnerable or avoid deep conversations.
While independence can be a strength, avoidance can make it difficult to form attachment in relationships. These are the people afraid of commitments.
The good news? Avoidant attachment can shift to secure attachment with the right support and tools.
How to Move from Avoidant to Secure Attachment
Recognize Your Patterns
The first step in healing avoidant attachment is awareness. Notice when you feel triggered by closeness or when you instinctively withdraw from emotional situations. Ask yourself:
Am I distancing myself out of habit or genuine need?
What am I afraid will happen if I allow myself to be vulnerable?
Therapy can help you explore and unpack the fears of intimate relationships and determine their origins. If you are not sure of your habits, start keeping track. How many times in a relationship you feel your partner is asking a lot of you?
2. Challenge the Fear of Dependence
One of the biggest misconceptions for avoidantly attached individuals is that relying on others = weakness. In reality, healthy relationships are built on interdependence—a balance of independence and emotional connection.
Try small acts of emotional openness, such as:
✎ Sharing your feelings, even if it’s just, “I had a tough day.”
✎ Accepting support from a friend or partner without dismissing it.
✎ Communicating your needs instead of assuming you have to handle everything alone.
3. Practice Emotional Expression
For avoidant individuals, talking about emotions can feel unnatural or uncomfortable. However, expressing feelings is important to develop secure and connected relationships.
💡 Try this: Instead of shutting down, practice saying using I-Statements:
“I need some space, but I still care about you.”
“This conversation feels hard for me, but I want to work through it.”
“I feel overwhelmed right now, but I appreciate your support.”
Therapy can help you build emotional literacy and feel more comfortable expressing your needs.
4. Rewire Your Nervous System for Connection
Avoidant attachment isn’t just about thoughts—it’s also deeply wired into the nervous system. If closeness feels threatening, your body may go into fight-or-flight mode, causing you to shut down or detach.
Healing involves rewiring the nervous system by:
✡ Practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques
✡ Engaging in somatic therapy to release stored trauma
✡ Allowing safe relationships to help you regulate emotions
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer trauma specialized therapy that integrates somatic techniques to support emotional safety and healing.
5. Build Secure Relationships
Surrounding yourself with emotionally secure people can help you move toward secure attachment. Look for relationships where:
✔ Your independence is respected, but closeness is encouraged
✔ Your emotions are validated rather than dismissed
✔ Healthy boundaries and communication are the norm
If you are an avoidant, most likely you are with someone who is anxious. This is a feedback look that both of you are getting stuck in, that is reinforcing each other's attachment wounds. Couples therapy can also help partners navigate different attachment styles, creating a balanced, fulfilling relationship.
6. Seek Therapy for Attachment Healing
Shifting from avoidant to secure attachment takes practice, patience, and the right support. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your attachment patterns, challenge fears of intimacy, and build healthier relationship dynamics.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specialize in:
- Relationship therapy for individuals, couples, and adult families
- Attachment-based therapy to heal childhood wounds
- Trauma therapy for emotional neglect and relational trauma
- Somatic therapy to regulate the nervous system and process emotions
Breaking the Anxious-Avoidant Loop
For the Anxious Partner:
Learn to self-soothe instead of seeking constant external validation.
Build security within yourself rather than depending on your partner to provide it.
Recognize when your fear of abandonment is driving your behavior.
For the Avoidant Partner:
Work on increasing emotional availability and communication.
Learn to recognize that closeness isn’t a threat but a source of connection.
Instead of withdrawing, express your need for space in a healthy way.
For Both Partners:
Develop awareness of each other’s triggers.
Use clear communication instead of reacting from attachment wounds.
Work towards a secure attachment dynamic with consistent reassurance and healthy boundaries.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. Her and her team are relationship and relational trauma therapists who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. Her team uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help their clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.