Separating and Divorcing a narcissist.
Divorcing a narcissist can be an emotionally draining and complex process. As you are aware now, narcissists possess a unique set of traits that tend to escalate conflicts, even during separation or divorce proceedings. If you are thinking of separating or divorcing a narcissist, it becomes so crucial to understand and navigate the legal system effectively when divorcing a narcissist. If you're going through a separation from a narcissistic partner, this blog aims to guide you through the challenges, offering insights into the characteristics of narcissistic behaviour, legal strategies, coping mechanisms, and the often-overlooked issue of post-separation abuse. We will explore some practical tips and insights to help individuals going through a divorce with a narcissistic spouse.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by an inflated sense of self, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While divorces can be challenging, divorcing a narcissist comes with its own set of unique obstacles. It is important to recognize the manipulative tactics, gaslighting, and emotional abuse that narcissists often employ during divorce proceedings.
Unfortunately, separating or divorcing a narcissist may not be the end.
In some cases, the narcissist will still make sure they have a hold on you, either through your children, legal system, or by even creating problems.
Tips on separating and divorcing a narcissist.
Understanding Narcissistic Behaviour in Relationships
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are well aware of the behaviour. A narcissistic person often exhibit self-centered and manipulative behavior. They crave admiration, lack empathy, and may use charm to control others. They can use gaslighting, smear campaign, triangulation to alienate you and make you feel like you are the crazy one. As a therapist, what I notice a lot of the times is that people in narcissistic relationships tend to forget what the narcissist person is like. They feel bad having to speak up against the narcissist. They feel bad choosing a harsh and aggressive lawyer. They feel guilty, as if they are the betrayer. And that’s a mindset you have to let go. This is the time where you need an aggressive and assertive lawyer. This is the time for you to speak up and have your voice heard. Will that make a difference to the narcissist? Probably not. But having your own voice now is a way of reclaiming control and power which you lost.
2. Recognizing Manipulation Tactics of a Narcissist During Divorce
Understanding common manipulation tactics, like blame-shifting and playing the victim, will help you in preparing for the challenges of divorce. Make a list of the things they did to you. How did they do it? Did they lie, gaslight, or tried to smear your name? Did they hide things, rage, or guilt you into doing things? Whatever pattern they have shown in the past, know that these patterns will come out again during the separation process. Being aware of those tactics will help you become aware of what is going on. These are the patterns which you will also discuss in court. Do not using the word “narcissist” and do not point out they are a narcissist in court! This will work against you. Instead talk about the patterns of behaviour you saw and the things they said and did to you.
3. Building a Support System
One of the first steps in separating from a narcissist is to build a solid support system. A narcissist have probably alienated you from your friends and family. It’s time to reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can provide emotional support and guidance throughout the process. Your friends and family may not fully understand what is going on. That is ok. As long as they are able to hear you out or just be there for you, that’s good enough. Consider reaching out to a therapists who is knowledgeable on narcissistic abuse as well. They can also offer professional assistance in understanding and dealing with a narcissistic personality.
4. Consult with Knowledgeable Legal Professionals
When divorcing a narcissist, it is in your best interest to consult with experienced and knowledgeable legal professionals specializing in family law. These professionals can help you navigate the complicated legal system, understand your rights, custody arrangement, and provide valuable guidance on how to protect yourself and your interests. There is no doubt that the narcissistic person will hire a lawyer who is similar to them. That lawyer will be harsh, arrogant, manipulative, and not afraid to dig up past things to incriminate you.
You have to ensure that you hire a lawyer who will not back down either. Look for someone who understands narcissistic behaviour and can develop effective strategies to protect your interests. Your attorney will guide you through the legal process, advocate for your rights, and help you navigate the complexities of your case.
5. Document Everything
Narcissists are skilled manipulators who will go to great lengths to maintain control and paint themselves in a positive light. They will try to gaslight you by distorting facts, rewriting history, or making you question your own sanity. It's crucial to document and gather evidence of their manipulative tactics to protect your interests.
Documenting everything becomes essential when dealing with a narcissistic partner during a divorce. Maintain a record of any incidents, conversations, and interactions that occur. This includes emails, text messages, voicemails, or any other evidence that can support your claims. Detailed documentation can prove crucial during legal proceedings, especially when dealing with false accusations or manipulative tactics.
6. Utilize the No-Contact (Low-contact) Rule
Implementing the no-contact rule can minimize unnecessary conflict and emotional distress. Minimize direct contact with the narcissistic spouse and conduct most communications through legal channels or intermediaries. Maintaining limited communication can help protect your mental well-being and prevent any further manipulation or abuse. If you can’t go no-contact, go low contact. Minimize the conversations you have with them.
BUT, If there are children present and you are are going through a custody battle, no-contact rule may not be best suited and the narcissist can use that against you. In this case, go low-contact. A narcissist will view their children as extensions of themselves and use them as pawns to manipulate and control you. Sometimes they will not hesitate to ask the children to testify and won’t even care about your children’s well-being. It's essential to prioritize your children's well-being and work with your attorney to develop a parenting plan that safeguards their best interests.
7. Secure Financial Documentation
Narcissistic partners may attempt to hide assets, manipulate financial records, or present misleading information during divorce proceedings. Ensure that you gather and secure all financial documents, including bank statements, tax returns, property titles, and investment records. Hiring a forensic accountant may be necessary to uncover hidden assets, should your situation require it.
8. High conflict Litigation vs Mediation
Narcissists thrive on conflict and will often engage in lengthy and contentious legal battles. They may file motions and contest trivial matters to gain control and assert their superiority. This can prolong the divorce process and increase legal fees, causing additional stress and financial strain.
Mediation can be effective alternatives to traditional adversarial court battles. These approaches encourage open dialogue, problem-solving, and a more amicable separation process. However, it is important to carefully consider whether these methods are suitable for your specific situation, as dealing with a narcissistic personality can sometimes make cooperative negotiations challenging.
9. Protecting Your Emotional Well-being
Throughout the divorce process, it is essential to prioritize self-care and protect your emotional well-being. Engage in activities that promote relaxation, seek professional counselling if needed, and consider attending support groups with others who have experienced similar situations. Taking care of your mental health can help you cope with the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies divorcing a narcissistic spouse.
Divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning, knowledge of legal procedures, and a strong support system. By understanding narcissistic traits, documenting everything, seeking professional legal advice, and prioritizing your own well-being, you can navigate the tumultuous process with more confidence. Remember, you deserve a future free from emotional abuse, and with the right strategies, you can build a new life after separating from a narcissist.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. She is a relationship and relational trauma therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. She uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help her clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
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Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
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Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
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There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
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The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
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The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
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The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
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Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
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Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.