Codependent and Narcissist Relationship: Understanding the Toxic Dynamic and How to Break Free
Relationships are meant to provide love, support, and mutual growth. However, when a codependent and a narcissist enter a relationship, the dynamic often takes a more harmful turn. Let’s dive into what happens when these two personality types meet, and why the cycle can be so difficult to break.
The Codependent: The Giver
A codependent person often defines themselves through the care, attention, and emotional support they give to others. They are the "fixers" of relationships, eager to please, and willing to sacrifice their own needs to maintain harmony. Their self-worth is typically tied to how much they can do for others, especially in intimate relationships. Underneath this desire to nurture is often a fear of rejection, abandonment, or inadequacy.
Key traits of a codependent include:
Low self-esteem
Difficulty setting boundaries
A strong need for validation and approval
Fear of conflict
Over-reliance on others for emotional fulfillment
Codependents may have developed these traits from growing up in dysfunctional families or environments where their needs were neglected, or where they were made to feel responsible for others' emotions. This leads to the tendency to seek external validation by giving too much in relationships.
The Narcissist: The Taker
Narcissists, on the other hand, are primarily concerned with themselves. They are driven by an excessive need for admiration, validation, and control. Though they can be charming and attentive in the beginning, their primary focus is on fulfilling their own needs and maintaining a sense of superiority. Narcissists often lack empathy and are skilled at manipulating situations to their advantage.
Common traits of a narcissist include:
Grandiosity and a sense of entitlement
A constant need for attention and admiration
Lack of empathy for others
Manipulative or controlling behaviors
Inability to accept responsibility for their actions
While they appear confident, many narcissists are deeply insecure. Their grandiose self-image is a defense mechanism, masking deep-seated fears of vulnerability, rejection, and failure.
The relationship becomes a cycle that is hard to break free from.
The codependent will keep giving because that will improve their self-worth. “I can fix the other person that means I am wanted and worthy”. The narcissist will keep taking to supply their own emotional need.
How the Relationship Begins:
At the start of a relationship between a narcissist and a codependent, the connection can feel almost magical. The narcissist often sweeps the codependent off their feet with charm, compliments, and grand gestures of affection aka "love bombing." For the codependent, this validation feels intoxicating. They finally feel seen, appreciated, and loved in a way that they may have longed for their entire lives.
In a relationship with a narcissist, the codependent:
Over-prioritizes their partner's needs, often at the expense of their own well-being.
Feels responsible for the narcissist's happiness, taking on the emotional labor of the relationship.
Struggles with boundaries, believing that if they just try hard enough, they can “fix” the relationship.
Avoids conflict, fearing that standing up for themselves will lead to rejection or abandonment.
The codependent’s need for external validation leads them to focus heavily on the narcissist’s approval. Their caretaking behavior often reinforces the narcissist’s sense of entitlement.
The Narcissist: Craving Control and Admiration
On the other side of this dynamic is the narcissist. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. They often manipulate others to maintain a sense of control and power.
In a relationship with a codependent, the narcissist:
Takes advantage of the codependent’s giving nature, expecting constant attention and care.
Has little regard for the codependent’s feelings, using charm or manipulation to keep the focus on themselves.
Devalues the codependent over time, especially if the codependent begins to assert their own needs.
Engages in gaslighting, making the codependent doubt their own reality and feel responsible for the relationship’s problems.
The narcissist, on the other hand, finds the codependent's nurturing and giving nature to be the perfect source of admiration and attention. The codependent showers them with praise, support, and care, feeding the narcissist’s ego and desire for control. The narcissist thrives on the emotional supply provided by the codependent's need to please.
The Shift: The Cycle of Control and Submission
As the relationship progresses, the dynamic begins to shift. The narcissist, no longer needing to impress, starts to show their true self—demanding more attention, becoming increasingly controlling, and devaluing the codependent. The codependent, now emotionally invested and fearful of losing the relationship, tries harder to please, hoping to return to the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship.
This is where the toxic cycle begins:
Idealization: The narcissist initially puts the codependent on a pedestal, making them feel valued and special.
Devaluation: Over time, the narcissist becomes critical, distant, and demanding, often using manipulation or gaslighting to make the codependent doubt themselves.
Discard: The narcissist may temporarily pull away, withdrawing affection or even threatening to end the relationship, leaving the codependent feeling desperate to "fix" the situation.
Re-engagement: If the codependent starts to assert independence or question the relationship, the narcissist may reel them back in with affection, apologies, or more manipulative tactics, restarting the cycle.
Why They Stay: The Trauma Bond
One of the most painful aspects of a codependent-narcissist relationship is the difficulty in breaking free. Despite the emotional abuse, codependents often stay because they are deeply attached to the highs and lows created by the narcissist. This cycle of affection followed by devaluation creates a trauma bond—a psychological response where the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser for relief.
For the codependent, leaving the relationship feels like a failure. They may believe that if they try harder, they can “fix” the narcissist or change the dynamic. Narcissists, on the other hand, enjoy the control and validation they receive from the codependent, so they will often do just enough to keep them hooked.
The Aftermath: Healing and Moving Forward
Breaking free from a codependent-narcissist relationship is difficult but essential for both parties to heal. For the codependent, this means recognizing their own worth, learning to set healthy boundaries, and building self-esteem independent of others' approval. Therapy, support groups, and self-reflection are often crucial steps in this healing process.
For the narcissist, change is unlikely unless they are willing to confront their deep-seated insecurities and seek professional help. Narcissists rarely seek change on their own, as it requires them to acknowledge vulnerabilities they prefer to avoid.
Breaking the Cycle
If you find yourself in a codependent-narcissistic relationship, the most powerful step is recognizing the patterns and reaching out for help. It is possible to rebuild your sense of self and find peace, but it begins with the realization that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, not manipulation or control. With awareness, education, and the courage to set boundaries, individuals can break free from this toxic dynamic and find healthier, more balanced relationships. If you are the codependent, here are a few steps you can start to implement today:
Educate yourself. Through education, you will learn to recognize the patterns that you are engaging in.
Focus on other positive and healthy relationships in your life. If you can’t identify any, even with a pet that is a start.
Start engaging in things and hobbies you like. This will help build your self-esteem.
Learn to manage the anxiety and the depression with the stages of the trauma bond. Do not rely on the narcissist to help manage your emotions.
Shikha is a therapist/owner of The Therapeutic Way, Counselling and Psychotherapy Services. Her and her team are relationship and relational trauma therapists who works with individuals, couples, and families who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, gone through trauma, experiencing relationship issues, and experienced attachment wounds as a child or adult. Her team uses a trauma-informed and holistic approaches to help their clients.
Thinking of therapy? Schedule your free 20 mins consultation call to see how we can help.
For more information reach us at info@thetherapeuticway.ca or call/text (289) 635-4660.
Therapy services: Online Anywhere in Ontario; Hamilton, ON; Burlington, ON, Oakville, ON; Mississauga, ON; Milton, ON.
-
Online therapy is as effective as in person therapy. What is most important with any format of therapy is the strong therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. Online therapy is a good option when coming in-person is not feasible, when you have dependents at home, and it is also more convenient.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy and therapy by phone from the convenience of your home. Click here to learn more about our online therapy.
-
Not necessarily. Online therapy and in-person therapy are usually the same cost as their effectiveness are the same. Online therapy can also be most cost effective for the client as transportation is not involved. Now, there are therapy apps or programs that area available to clients that are cheaper than traditional therapy. However, the effectiveness of those programs are questionable, and they are most likely not covered by insurance.
At The Therapeutic Way, we offer online therapy with a registered psychotherapist that is covered by most insurance providers and helps you save the cost of transportation.
-
There are many different types of therapist that you can choose from. Before reaching out to a therapist, it’s important to know what issue you would like to work on. A tip is to seek out a therapist who specializes the issue and problem you are facing with. For example, if you would like to work on trauma, a therapist who focuses on eating disorders may not be the best fit.
It is also important to decide what type of therapist you are looking for, such as gender, experience, their approaches to therapy, etc. It’s also a good idea to check with your insurance provider which type of therapist they cover. A lot of therapists offer free consultation calls for you to decide they are a right fit.
At The Therapeutic Way, we specializes in relationship issues, relational trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and attachment wounds. We work with adults, couples, and families over the age of 16.
-
The type of therapy that is best for you, depends on you as a person and the reason you are seeking therapy. There are different types of therapy, such as somatic-based therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, trauma-informed therapies, holistic therapy, existential therapy, and more. The type of therapy that is right for you will depend what you are looking for. While you may have an input in this, majority of the time the therapist will know what is best suited for you and will let you know.
At The Therapeutic Way, we work with clients using an integrative approach to therapy, meaning using different modalities to suit your needs. We use a trauma-informed, holistic, and relational approach to working with you. Click here to learn more.
-
The term psychotherapy and counselling are often used interchangeably with some slight differences. Psychotherapy refers to the treatment based for psychological disorders and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Counselling refers to wellness support and providing insights and clarity which leads to growth or personal betterment. At The Therapeutic Way, we provide both psychotherapy and counselling.
-
The difference between psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist, depends on education and scope of practice.
Psychotherapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist can provide therapy called talk therapy.
A psychotherapist can provide therapy under the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario, a psychologist can provide therapy under the College of Psychologists of Ontario, and a psychiatrist can provide therapy under College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.
Difference:
Psychotherapist Education: Master’s Degree or higher
Psychologist Education: PhD or PsyD.
Psychiatrist: MD
————
Psychotherapist: Can’t diagnose
Psychologist: Can do assessment and diagnose
Psychiatrist: Can do assessment, diagnose, and prescribe medication
————
Psychotherapist Training: Counselling and focus on therapy techniques
Psychologist: Focus on clinical research and assessment
Psychiatrist: Use medical treatment such as prescribing medications for mental health conditions
Before seeking help, it’s important to know what you need and are seeking. A consultation call can help you decide.
At The Therapeutic Way, we are registered psychotherapist with the College of Registered Psychotherapist of Ontario.